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Cloud Strife

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What is this? [03 Apr 2005|09:01pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Sephiroth contacted me for the first time since the Lifestream battle. There is not much to say about him save that there was no emotion there, not on either side it would seem. I think I want to know if I'm disappointed or not by this fact. I expected nothing from him, but I was always a man to have hope, I suppose.

He was just as I had last seen him sane, though he claims the ability to feel again or for the first time, I do not know. I would be happy for him if I could, but as long as he has no need to take over the world again, I almost doubt that our paths will really cross much. I have no need to go to him save a dull want to.

Jenova is here. I know that she is, even if I cannot feel her presence directly, but she has burrowed into my body. I was more hers than I was Sephiroth's, but it appears now her attention has shifted completely to myself and Vincent Valentine. She is coming, but I cannot decide who her primary target is at the moment. I would think that she would go for Vincent since he is much more sane than I am at the moment, but Jenova seemed to enjoy the company of the insanes ones as well. Perhaps she will come for me first.

Will she kill me? No, she seems the type to kill all that I once held dear and deprive me of what keeps me emotionless and saner. I will have to fight again, but I feel that I am only slightly ready for that battle. Tifa will help me through, as she has the last couple of days as I have pushed myself through training, forcing myself to get better, to take on this task again. I am a hero, but I do not feel it now. I will soon. I have Tifa's strength to urge me forward.

I have gotten better about taking my medication because of Tifa alone. She has taken care of me completely, and I have learned much simply being with her again. I have forgotten what it was like to have such a caring woman in my life, and she reminds me of my lost mother in a lot of ways. She is just as strong and stubborn as mother was, and she cares little for my abilities or lack of at the moment.

We set out for the long trip the Nibelheim soon. I know why we are going there, but I do not know if I can go through with it right now. Vincent is his ally, and Tifa wants him dead again and has been urging me that he remains the enemy still. Sephiroth must be killed and could never reform, she insists and I think that I would believe her if I had not seen all that I have.

He said he would give my mind back to me. He asked me if I had lost my intelligence when I met with him. He was agitated and... fearful. It was not much, but I could see him for what he was at that moment, that Jenova would torment him first then finish what I had not killed off in the Lifestream. Sephiroth has never feared anything, and I will not either, not even Jenova if she comes for me. I am strong, even if I have lost much. I can still defeat her if she strays too close again.

But what would she really want with just me and Vincent? It makes no sense that she only comes after two when there were many the lead to her downfall. Maybe it was easiest to find them because of the Jenova cells that crawl under our skins?

The real question now is... who is hunting who? Jenova... or us?

(Feel my Insanity)

At cabin [16 Feb 2005|11:57am]
[ mood | tired ]

I seemed to have forgotten about this cabin. I think I remember spending a night here on our journies to remove Sephiroth, but... I cannot remember another time though I know there was one. It is in my memory somewhere, but it had to have been in a time when my mind was chaotic. Now, Tifa and I are here.

I am tired again and hungry for that matter. Tifa is wandering around the place and I am just looking around while sitting on a couch. It is only in doing that that I remember that women don't leave their legs open in dresses for a reason. It becomes quite drafty quickly. My legs are not as nice as the last time I was in a dress.

This place is nice and homely. It is fully furnished and stocked with food, meaning that Tifa must have been here before she ever came to get me. There is a ceilor nearby that has yet more food and living items and I seem to remember that this portion used to be part of a village so there is running water. It is a log cabin and a few beds that look very inviting to me right now.

Tifa seems relieved to be here and I sense that she has relaxed considerably since we left Junon. She had to let me lean on her up the steeper hills to the cabin, but I can feel my strength quickly returning to me. I will have to practice with my sword and get strong once more, so that I may challenge Sephiroth in Nibelhiem. For my own mind, I must remove him from me, lose all chances of connection with him. He could see me.

My thoughts are jumbled again. I really think that I need a nap and perhaps I can convince some food out of Tifa. I am really hungry, but I can already feel weight coming back on me with the mass that I am consuming, usually eating once every two hours, sometimes less. I should try to limit my food intake so Tifa does not worry for me, though I believe she is pleased to see me eating so much.

There is a nice open field nearby, I suddenly remember. I practiced there with my sword a long time ago. I will have to use it ag...


(Feel my Insanity)

On the Move [12 Feb 2005|10:17am]
[ mood | blank ]

I slept in this morning, and it was so odd to do so. I think I slept almost ten hours last night when all I'm used to getting is a maximum of four hours. My body moves so much more easily, and I ate...quite a bit. The only problem of the morning was giving my medication, as usual, but Tifa managed it.

She dressed me up in a blue dress and we are leaving Junon. Somehow, I cannot bring myself to care at the mysterious stares that I am getting from some of the men passing by us. A few cat calls and attempts to walk us to our destination, mostly directed at Tifa because I am usually walking a little more out of sight. No one seems to notice that I am male either, and Tifa even went as far as to braid my long hair and put make-up on me just to make it less obvious. I have no problem with this, and as long as the mission is complete, it will be worth it.

I am hungry again. I find myself being more and more hungry now that I am with Tifa. She has already taught me so many things, though, I think she was displeased when I took the toaster apart before we left. I was not my fault; I wanted to see how it worked. There are so many things out in these streets that I want to see, and I find myself wandering around if Tifa does not keep me on course. It has been a long time since I saw a car or motorcycle, or other things. I let myself forget, but now I must learn again.

We are nearly on the edge of Junon and there are a small group of men playing around near us. They are watching us while we take a break before heading out again. As long as they do not make an approach, we will be fine, and if they do approach too aggressively, I will kill them. I can crush their throats before they have a chance to scream for help; or I can rip out their hearts from their chests. It is difficult, but I have done it before.

Let us hope that they know to keep their distance.

Tifa wishes to get moving again. It would be best to get out of Junon as the city makes me very curious as to all the things that I could and should see. I wonder if they brought the cannon back...

(Feel my Insanity)

[07 Feb 2005|01:00pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Who am I? I remembered just a moment ago, but now... I seem to have forgotten.

Looking at Tifa has affirmed the fact that I am a mere shadow of the person that I used to be, wasted away by the life I used to live. I think I was strong for them, for him, but there is no reason for that strength anymore. Perhaps there is no reason to remember who I am?

Tifa has come back to me, come back to get me. She announced her love of me, but I could and can feel nothing in return. Even now, there is nothing that I feel when I am awake and there is only nothingness when I am asleep. There is only that brief lull before waking and getting medicated. She is more than willing to take care of me, but I see her disgust at my dependency...whether it is directed at me or my previous care, I can only guess.

I wonder what the others will think when they find out. During Meteor Crisis, I killed hundreds of people and under my medication, I could easily do it again for no reason at all. Alpha-6 keeps me from doing it, but I don't know if I am thankful for that. Was I destined to be the next Sephiroth like all the doctors whispered?

Who am I? I have forgotten.

Tomorrow, we will travel outside of Junon. It will be the first time that I will walk in forced freedom with Tifa. She worries for me, I think. I think that she knows that I am still not the person that I used to be, and she probably fears that I will never return to that previous state. There is no guarantee that I will ever get better.

I can feel him. Though, there has been no offical contact between us, I get the sense that he is more than aware of my presence. I need mental walls to guard against him, to prevent him from seening me like this. Surely he is laughing at me, and he must think that I am the weak fool he always called me. Perhaps he will refuse contact with me, which I find myself almost... hopeful for, if I can feel such a thing. He must not see what he had done to me... the cracks never heal.

Who am I? I am nothing.

(Feel my Insanity)

[28 Dec 2004|07:49pm]
[ mood | irate ]

I wonder if the world is passing me by completely. Sometimes, I can't remember who or what I am. It's like being in this place is making me forget who I am, that I will someday forget everything and be a perminant prisoner. Will I forget things that are important? Is anything important now? I am alone.

The doctors hate it when I stand in the middle of the hallway and write. It makes them nervous, and they keep an eye out on me more. Perhaps they know that I'm too high-strung to sit and just want to move about, which usually causes them trouble. I hate this place, and I have this hallway, yet I'm even forgetting how to feel things.

These drugs that run through my veins and keep me under control...they are both giving me life and taking it away. I can think clearly, but I find that things are difficult to remember now and again. The big events are still clear, but I no longer dream too much, except when I look through *his* eyes briefly, and I can't really be bothered to think about the depressing stuff.

Wisley wants me to talk about what happened in Meteor, thinking that it could be the cause of my illness. I think he is crazy for thinking that since I know the exact moment that I cracked, but I just didn't tell anyone about it. That I remember, and I doubt that I will ever forget. They call me crazy, more unpredictable now...but I remember.

I've never hated an idol before, but I did when Aerith died. I've never been able to find it in me to actually hate Sephiroth, since he was just a puppet, more so than I was. No, I couldn't hate him even when he burned my town and killed everyone that I tried to hold dear to me. I never hated him until he killed Aerith...that was when everything changed for me and it all started to go downhill. The wounds festered more and more...

When I faced him in the Lifestream that final time, I found I couldn't hate him again. That fact made me hate myself until I pulled apart completely. I kept wondering why I couldn't hate him except for when it came to Aerith's death. I couldn't hate him for what he did to me, to the others, and I killed him out of mercy to himself, to restore him to what I remembered of him, not for all of the shit he pulled. I couldn't hate him, and I wonder if he knows what he has done to me...

I am cracked, shattered and broken, all because of him. All because I couldn't hate. He is probably laughing at me, to see and feel me like this, trapped away where he should have been. I'm that broken doll on cutted strings, shattered by things I could never hope to control, and he is alive and well again. I am broken, and he is laughing. Perhaps this is where I always meant to be... broken, alone, forgotten, and being laughed at. Perhaps I can find hate now...hate them all.


(Feel my Insanity)

Sephiroth [22 Dec 2004|09:53am]
[ mood | depressed ]

I can feel him. In my dreams, I look through his eyes and I know that he is back. I can only get brief flashes when I put all of my energy into it, but I have seen enough to know that he is not dead...yet. I saw snow... Icicle Inn because people were there. I know where he is, and I care little to know what his intents are. He's still on the planet, and that is good enough for me.

I tried telling Wisley about it...he told me not to over excite myself and rest. The bitch thinks it's a medication side-effect, but this was different. That small dream was something I remember when I was just a puppet. Always a puppet dancing on a shattered mirror of sanity When I insisted to Wisley about what I saw, he gave me that look that said 'You're crazy, go lie down and don't cause trouble please'. Wisley is such a wanker.

They let me back in my window, but I see they have reinforced the bars this time. The sun is shining on my face for once, and it feels... I don't know anymore. I think I've forgotten how to really feel. I know that I feel like I'm sick... I look in the mirror, and I see how disgusting I've become. Wisley says I've only dropped twenty pounds, but...pair that with this pasty white skin I have... I look like a freaking goth on a bad day.

I need to get out of here. These people, these doctors, these walls, they make me feel like I'm not even worth anything. They give me medication, pat me on the head, and tell me to be a good boy today as if I'm some kind of child. When I ask Wisley to let me outside, he still tells me no, but he now has this expression of some cute plot that I don't know about. He's plotting against me. I don't like that...I'll kill him if he tries anything on me. I'll stop taking this bloody medication.

I want to go outside. I know it is bad when I dream about being outside. Now, I just want to go out there. Just...for a few minutes, but they won't let me. They say I'm not ready, that all of the side-effects aren't known for my drugs. Okay, so my eyes can light up a freaking room when it is dark, and I can't change facial expressions...but still...it's only outside. I doubt they would believe me if I promised that I would be good...makes me sound like a child anyway.

Damn it...why has everyone abandoned me? I really only have Sephiroth to keep me company at the moment...but I'm not strong enough to really make a connection with him, and I doubt he wants to have a talk anyway. He might be coming to kill me...if he remembers me at all. He doesn't seem interested in contacting me since I managed to make a brief connection and he didn't respond in that brief spark. No...I'm alone, as usual. I can't help but feel depressed about that because I thought that people actually cared. Shows how deluded I really am... Fuck them.

(Feel my Insanity)

[19 Dec 2004|12:16pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

I'm having a bit of a rough day, or so those BITCHES!!! tell me. It appeared that they thought that I was doing very well on my new medication, but I had a 'relapse' with the attack against Wisley and having to be tranquilized. I just shrug my shoulders about it right now. I could care less about that since I'm comfortably sitting in MY window staring outside after having a nice long workout.

Anyway, they appear to want my thoughts on certain subject, mainly three main entities that affected my life so much and were probably the cause for my mental illness. I haven't actually taken the time to think about them in a long time, except for the fact that if any of them were alive, I would take pleasure in hurting them... Professor Hojo, Jenova, and Sephiroth.

First off...Professor Hojo is my nightmares come true. When I dream, I see him leaning over me and I have the urge to fly off the handle and hurt anyone in range of me. I spent almost five years of my life under his knife, and I became his puppet more than anyone elses. To say that he ruined my life is an understatement, and I wish him much pain and agony wherever he finds himself now. I would take pleasure ripping him limb from limb and offering his blood to those that died. Let his screams run out into the night, his heart be removed still beating before burned and cast to the winds... I wish him only pain...only agony...only death.

Dear god, can't a man smash his fists into the barred window every once and while as stress relief. The pain is something that I look forward to now adays. It feels good to me, like a memory that I am still alive and kicking. My physical pain is almost...erotic in a sense. My own blood or the blood of others gives me the same feeling, but I suppose that is normal enough.

Anyway, Jenova the space bitch that lives in me even as I write. Though she is technically destroyed, she still lives in me...rather, she lives off of me like the parasite that she is. Yet, I can't help but feel neutrality for her since I don't think that she was a truely evil entity; rather, I think she was doing what she had to to survive. I didn't exactly have heart-warming conversations with her, but I got the feeling that she was very lonely. I don't know. I care little now that she is dead and gone. Fuck her and everything she is.

Then there is Sephiroth, the supposid puppetmaster to me. I don't believe a word those crack-whores say because I am well aware that he is just a puppet like me, perhaps more than me. He was controlled and play like the fool he let himself be, living in his own dream world I thought... he just happened to take me down with him. He drew me into this madness that clouds my thoughts, and he laughed at me when I strayed after him. He burned and butchered my town, nearly slaughtered two of my friends and myself, put me in that godforsaken lab for four years where the cracks appeared first then... he vowed crazed godhood, murdered Aerith, tossed me in mako twice, threatened the lives of my friends and allies, and tried to drop a big rock on the planet...

Sephiroth, you stupid motherfucking ass-pounding Jenova whore! If I ever get my hands on you again, I'm going to take you down a notch and put my foot so far up your ass, my kneecap with quench your thirst! Puppet or no, you are a moron, and it would be a pleasure to kick your ass again! I hope you read this from the Lifestream! You may have been a puppet, but you were the dumbest puppet I ever knew, dumber than even me! You shattered the lives of thousands of people then get the right to DIE. What about me?! Why do I have to souped up on drugs after I had to take you out, you bitch?! I hope you rot in the lowest pit of hell and scream for mercy for what you have done!

BITCHES!! The doctors are getting worried about me putting my hand through the window and metal guards. I can't help it... I'm in here and no one cares! No one! I hate them all! They abandoned me in this place, and left me to rot because of the crimes I have commited on the way to saving the planet! They don't care, those self-riteous SOBs! I wish them pain and death for what they have done! I gave it all up to save the planet! My life! My feelings! My freaking sanity! And they can leave me here!

I really think I need a hug right now... but I don't trust anyone in here to give me one. They are asking me to come down from the window so they can stop my hand from bleeding. I don't care about them. I don't care about anyone. I just want to be left alone in this black misery that is my life.

They are insisting I come down from the window... I could kill at least three of them before they get a tranquilizer into me. No, it's not worth it just yet. I will wait and bide my time until I am certain of the side-effects of this mako drug I'm on. It's already starting to effect me... increased aggression, subdued pain, random emotional surges... They are killing me with these drugs and lack of real human contact... I hate them...

(1 InjectionFeel my Insanity)

Going from unpredictable to cold, calculating unpredictable... [15 Dec 2004|09:00am]
[ mood | irritated ]

Cloud and his overly determined doctor have a chat for as long as Cloud’s attention span will last for, then Cloud gets agitated.

Progress and RegressionCollapse )

(Feel my Insanity)

WTF? [14 Dec 2004|09:28am]
[ mood | bored ]

Their voices annoy me, grate on my nerves kind of like the feeling of rubbing hard alcohol on an open wound under the claim that it will prevent infection. They seem so encouraged that I have gone quiet, and my random thoughts have become so driven; it is the quiet ones to watch for. When I'm finished with my 'quiet time', Wisley is showing me how to take my own medication, show me the only way to freedom.

I wonder why these places are all white. Why not... yellow, like someone pissed all over the walls, or red...blood, it saves them from having to clean when someone gets a little violent in here. No, it is white, everything but the silver instruments. White, everywhere...

I hate these clothes I'm wearing. They are severely uncomfortable to me. The shirt hangs off my shoulders, meaning I've lost some weight, which I intend to get back. I was thin enough when I came in this place. My pants are very baggy and they refuse to give me a belt to hold them up with...say it could be used as a weapon.

Which is true. I could kill a lot of people with a belt, but I'm not interested in hunting anyone down...yet. The medication may limit my feelings and put my randomness back in order, but I feel like I'm being poisoned again. They are giving me mako, at a high concentration too, and when I sleep (which seems to creep them out since I sleep with my eyes open) I can feel my body once again shifting. They are bringing my Jenova cells out of dormancy, and they are slowly on the move...

Wisley is standing over me like he is a very important individual, when really he's a self-riteous son of a bitch. I pity the woman that shot him out between her legs... he obviously wants to show me how to treat myself now, which I'm not sure is proper policy. Needles are weapons, especially with mako in them.

Oh well...his life.

(Feel my Insanity)

[11 Dec 2004|12:49am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Question and Answer Period. New Drugs. New QuestionsCollapse )

(Feel my Insanity)

Catch me on this night of blood [08 Dec 2004|08:54am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Cloud has had enough of everything but the rainCollapse )

(2 InjectionsFeel my Insanity)

[06 Dec 2004|08:37am]
[ mood | crazy ]

Those doctors are all conspiring against me, wanting for the perfect moment to get me, tie me down, stab me with needles, and poke me with their slimy hands. They are always out to get me, just waiting for me to let my guard down, so they can pounce! BITCHES!!! I won't let them have me! They may have found a way to make me sleep an entire three days, but never again! I will never let my guard down to them and their white walls...

WHITE goddamn it! These walls are driving me batty, and when I'm batty, Jenova moves under my skin. Everything I see is white! White walls, white clothes, white shoes, white floor, white people! I have to get away from here, from this WHITE!!! I can't stand it, and I can feel the walls closing in around me at night, in the day. It's just another conspiracy to keep me in here...

Jenova is taunting me again. Her whispers are becoming louder and her movements in my body are shifting muscles in my back... No, I can't see it, but I feel it. I know it. I know these things. Everyone is out to GET me! Jenova is taking me over and mocking me about their stupid drugs they have me on - that don't work - and how I'm such a weak failure for being in this place of white. God, let me out of here! I won't let Jenova win again! I'm stronger than that! Strong, not weak! A puppet but with no strings! Hahaha!

I can't see the stars tonight. It's raining really hard, but it looks so inviting to me. I want to go outside, but those bitches won't let me. I want to stand in the rain and laugh away my madness! Then they will have to let me go because they can't say I'm crazy anymore.

...then I'll hunt down everyone that ever claimed to be my friend and kill them. I'll rip their miserable lying throats out and let their lifeless, mocking corpses rot! They all lied to me! I have no friends! They abandoned me to this place, and they are NEVER coming back for me, except to mock me! The world is laughing at me, but I will get the last laugh when I kill them all! Yes... let death rain from above tonight...

I'm going outside and no one can stop me. I'm going to stand in the rain, and their drugs and traquilizers cannot touch me because I'm stronger than them. Nothing can stop me! I want to taste blood tonight, my night, the night of freedom!

...I need my sword...

(Feel my Insanity)

There is no God... Only this sick feeling... [03 Dec 2004|09:17pm]
[ mood | full ]

Oh... I feel sick, really really sick, and not in the good way. The doctors gave me more Jell-O and encouraged me to eat some, and I did... Oh, I ate way too much of the sugary jelly goodness, and now all I want to do is lie here on my bed hanging half-off. Oh... my stomach feels really... horrible...

I think I'm going to be sick. I haven't eaten that much sugar since I was like twelve years old...that was bloody ten years ago... I'm feeling sick and old. If I didn't hate the taste of vomit, I would surely puke all over the place then the walls wouldn't be white anymore.

Oh... damn that sugary goodness... Even Jenova is complaining about it, but she's not moving under my skin. I think she is stuffed with this Jell-O as much as I am... I can only hear her whispering to me, but I just can't yell back at her right now... If I yell, I'll vomit.

God...it's so white in here and my stomach hurts so much. I think I need to take a nap and hopefully I won't feel so sick anymore... Oh... if only Tifa was hear to pick me up off of the floor and take off my slippers...

I... *snoring immediately insues*

(Feel my Insanity)

There is a God...and He jiggles!!! [03 Dec 2004|08:10am]
[ mood | curious ]

After being stuck in solitary confinement for three days, they finally let me back out so I can stretch my legs. BITCHES!!! I'm following Marle around at the moment since he said he wanted to show me something, that he had found God. Seeing as I remember the big rock falling from the sky, I don't believe him, but my curiousity is getting the better of me anyway, so I'm trotting after him. If he has found God, I want to ask the prick why he allowed me to live.

I had a dream last night too. I don't usually dream about anything but Jenova taking me over... over and over and under and after she's finished I lie there and wonder... She usually crawls through me, curling in my mind and whispering to me, calling me, beckoning me, desiring me, grabbing me, hurting me... over and over and under and after she's finished I lie there and wonder... She is sleeping in me right now, but she has told me to run away and never return, to get away and hurt those that stop me from getting away from the pain, away from the needles, the doctors, the white WHITE WHITE WHITE WHITE where all I can think about is THEM and HER... over and over and under and after she's finished I lie there and wonder...

...why do I need her? Why do I stay here?

I have warrented an armed guard all the time now. Even when the doctors are busy with other patients, I still have this guy following me around. I know they would want to keep me alone and give me treatments, but I know that they know that I know how to get out, and I know that they know that if I get out, I'll hurt someone. They only keep me in solitary confinement for a certain number of days before they know when I'm going to break down the door... so they let me out to keep me happy and to limit my symptoms. But the guard following me around - thinking I'll kill Marle to get to God I'm sure - would be died before he could even pull that piss-ant gun on me. I've watched him... he leans to the left too much and fumbles for the gun under a stressful situation, meaning I could kill him without trying if I wanted to.

But, I want to see God.

Marle has something in the kitchen, bowl with...what looks to be jelly-like substance. It's a off green colour. He seems really proud of it and he keeps trying to convince me to punch it. He's ranting that God cannot be defeated even by the hero of the planet, that he controls everything from that there bowl... He's not a very interesting God, that's for sure. I don't think I've ever seen God jingle before, but He does when Marle shakes the bowl. I'm not sure who needs more medication... Marle for thinking the jelly-like substance is God, or me for going along with it. The guy is obvious crazy.

OH MY FUCKING GOD!!! Okay, it may not be God, but geez, this stuff is...indestructable! I want some!

I just punched the jelly stuff and the bowl shattered and flew around the room, but... the jelly. IT'S RIGHT THERE!!! It didn't blow apart of anything and...it tastes kind of nice actually. So this is what green tastes like... kind of like lime only with a sugar kick to it. I think I've found a new toy and stress relief!

...Marle just put it on my head... I'm not impressed in the least. "All the Jell-O I can wear, eh?" Don't know if I want to wear it, but... it looks really funny when you throw it in someone's face. Marle is pouting now and the guard is radioing the doctors.

WHAT?!! I'm not even doing anything wrong yet! He's fumbling for his gun now, since I can hear it. I'm not sure if I've warrented an attack yet considering Marle is throwing bits of this... Jell-O at me and laughing his head off. Crazy man...

Oh great, three doctors are here now...them and their clipboards, always writing, always planning, always... Okay, that feels really wrong sliding down my arm, yet really nice too. I wonder if you can kill someone with this stuff... I wonder if I can get some of this stuff; it is so funny and...Jenova doesn't mind it either.

There is no God, but there is a substance called Jell-O.

(Feel my Insanity)

[02 Dec 2004|08:25am]
[ mood | depressed ]

They are all a bunch of bitches...every last one of them! They have thrown me back in solitary confinement because of the increased level of aggression! Those bitches! I'll rip down this door and make them scream for death while I tear them limb-from-limb and beat them with their own appendages! I'll kill them all! Let Jenova have this body to give me strength to hunt them all down!

Speaking of bitch, Jenova has been moving in me. I can fell her taint moving through my veins, slithering under my skin and laughing at me for benig so weak to be suseptable to their drugs. Well bitch, I won't be the next time. I'll show them and Jenova that I am stronger than any tranquilizer that they will shoot me with! I'll show them all! I won't let Jenova win, just like I didn't let Sephiroth win! Hahahaha, I win! Win, win, win, WIN!! They are dead and I'm not! I'm just CRACKED, but I will get better and then...

I wonder what green tastes like...

I want out of this place. I want to see Tifa, to have her hold me again and rock me to sleep. I want to see her... I haven't been allowed any visitors in seven months two weeks four days thirteen hours and twenty-eight minutes. I want to show her that I'm getting better, that I... I'm getting better with her around. These doctors don't know anything, but Tifa knows me...why has she left me completely alone for all of this time? Doesn't she care that they are hurting me, stabbing me, drugging me, keeping me, holding me down, throwing me in solitary confinement, tying me down to tables, screaming at me...

Who am I? Why have I been completely abandoned in this hell hole? What have I done to deserve getting tossed aside to fend for myself again? Everyone has abandoned me. They don't even remember who I am. Who I am? I don't remember, but I can remember that I was once a hero and a friend to people. Now those people that I trusted have forgotten me, abandoned me, used me, abused me... I hate them....

How does loud feel against the skin?

I want to forget. I want to disappear. I am nothing. I am everything. I am...a failure, warrenting no number, no real care, no recognition. I am nothing, yet I take up space and time. I am a puppet, yet I cannot see my own strings. I am everything, yet I have no one to even know my name.

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? WHO AM I? WHO AM I??

(Feel my Insanity)

[01 Dec 2004|08:29am]
[ mood | crazy ]

They have given me back my book and have asked me to continue writing in it. I think that they just want to see what I will write because they are trying to get into my head, to make me a puppet again! PUPPET!!! Just a puppet with invisible strings, I am. I am a puppet. A pretty little puppet. Puppet, puppet, puppet!

Someday I will break my strings and walk free. When I break free, I'm going to wander the world and see all the pretty sights and live the life I never had before. I want to walk around, if only for a little while. I want to feel the sun on my skin since I'm looking really pale especially in these white clothes they keep me in. I even have white shoes and slippers. Always white. White EVERYWHERE. The walls are white, the floor is white, my clothes are white, the bed is white, the sheets are white, the padded room is white! White! White! Why must everything be white?! Why not blue? Or green? Or red...no, not red, I have already turned to walls red with blood, my blood...

I have to get her out. She crawling under my skin, moving my muscles against my will, holding me down, plaguing me, taking me over!!!! I can feel her in me, whispering that mother is coming to save me, hold me, make me what I was born to become!

Of course... she never actually tells me what I was supposed to become, so I'm not sure if I'm allowed to be confused or not. She just kind of sits around somedays and ponders the meaning of life in the back of my mind, not really saying anything at all. The doctors say the cells are dormant, but that is just another way of saying that she is sleeping, but why do I have to be the bed she sleeps in? It's the white. I know it is. Jenova likes the white emptiness in me. She is sleeping now, but she will wake up and take me over more... like a virus, taking me over slowly but surely.

I need to get laid.

The doctors are telling me that the medication has stopped working as well as it started off, and they are looking to make up new medication to help me. Well this is what I say to them... DUH!?! They keep telling me that I'm not supposed to use the word 'crazy' since I was getting better, but now I'm regressing back to complete mental instability. DUH!?! I can't think clearly anymore, and all I do for most of the day is pace infront of a window ignoring everything... that's what they tell me.

No, I'm not pacing, I'm just thinking of a way to rip off those bars that cage me. I'm being kept here against my will now. I want to go home and not be here...

What the...? Lights flicked? Wait...I can feel *him*. He's...here, coming for me just like I always knew he would. He's coming to kill me, string me up by my intestines, mock me, hurt me, beat me, hold me, love me, I want to go HOME!!!! No, I won't let him get me! I'll fight him again, until the bitter end. I won't let him fuck with my mind again! He already made me crazy and the cracks will only go deeper if he does it again!

I'll grab this here bed and ram it through his...

Fucking tranquilizers....no, he'll get me...

(Feel my Insanity)

[29 Nov 2004|08:40am]
[ mood | crazy ]

Do you ever get the feeling that you are being watched? Like...every single action, twitch of muscle, shift of hair, movement of eyes... is always noted, watching, scrutinized? Do you ever get the feeling that the moment you let your guard down, you'll get backstabbed? Maybe not stabbed... maybe burned, or have a rock dropped on you or injections or suffication in your pillow...

Do you ever look in the mirror and not know who is staring back at you? I do...when they give me a mirror that is. I haven't been able to look in my reflection for exactly three weeks, two days, four hours and fifty-two minutes... I wonder what I look like? I mean, I know my hair is long now since I can see it all around me, always messy, always spiky, always blonde. They say my eyes have gotten brighter, especially with the new medication... If I look in the mirror, will it be cracked...or is it just me?

I snuck out of bed last night, but the doctors don't know that. When I'm not locked away to be on my own, and I can sleep with other people, I always sneak out of bed because in sleep, my guard is down. I'm a failure SOLDIER, but I have all the training required, so I can sneak around in the dark so long as I close my eyes whenever someone wanders by. I've learned to pick the lock of my door... but the doctors don't know that either. I like to watch the stars, but I always think is see Meteor again falling from the sky.

Meteor fell, Meteor got stopped, I went crazy, Tifa admitted me here... I wonder if I've been forgotten? I wonder if I disappeared completely, that no one knows me, no one cares that they have locked me away and allowed me to rot in these white rooms that drive me up the wall because all I see is white and the white makes me think of silver and silver makes me think of *him* and he will come and get me in my sleep and finish me off like he did Aerith because I killed him. I am forgotten, alone, abandoned, cracked.

Everyone is laughing behind my back. I know it. They may try to hide it, but I have enhanced sight and hearing so I can still hear and see it even though they try to hide it away from me. I know. I'm going to stay in this place and get medication and my thoughts will run around in these endless circles because that's all I'm good for because I'm a mass failure that let the entire world down and everyone is laughing at me. Hahaha, laugh, laugh, laugh!

I can feel her again. She's swimming in my eyes, moving in my blood, taking hold of my body. Everyone says she is dormant, but I can still feel her, always grasping at my mind, trying to get control over me. I'm fighting her, just like I fought her when she had a full body. She keeps saying she's my mother and just wants the best for me, but my mother is dead...kind of like Jenova. Mmmm, coincidence? I think not.

Oh, the alarm sounded! Oh, I'm in trouble now! I've been caught out of bed, but I don't want to move from the window that I'm sitting in. The bars that keep me here are cold to my touch and they block my view of the stars. I just want to watch the stars! Why do they all have to come screaming down the hallway with their guns leveled at me, when all they have to do is ask me to come down? But I don't want to come down.

The funny looking doctor is talking to me. I don't really like him since he has a weird look in his eye, and he always has a needle to inject me with, kind of like Hojo... Maybe he IS Hojo! NO! I WON'T GO BACK TO THAT LAB!! You'll never take me alive....

(Feel my Insanity)

[28 Nov 2004|01:48pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

They've given me a pencil and book to write stuff down in. They think it will help me open up the therapy... That's all they do. Think. More thinking. Like Hojo. Always thinking. Never doing anything towards the solution. Think Think Think.

It's been a year. If I wasn't being watched so closely, I would laugh at the thought because I think it is really funny. I've been clinically insane for exactly eleven months, thirty days, sixteen hours, and forty-five minutes. How do I know? When you have nothing to do but stare at a wall in a padded room or stare out a window, there is little else to think about.

I can feel her in me, crawling through my body. She's there even though I can't hear her call. I know she is, since I can feel her multiplying in my body, taking me over slowly but surely. They tell me Jenova is gone, but I know better... I can still feel her hold on me.

I want to dig her out of my veins, from my muscles, from my mind... but they will take away the pencil if I try. Writing is honestly better than just sitting around on their medication...

They started to give me shots, and they actually work on me. I don't know what it is that they give me, but I can think clearly for hours on end. I think that is why they are letting me write now, since I don't tend to hurt myself or others when I can think clearly. Soon... soon, they will let me go outside again so I can stretch my muscles on real surface instead of all this obsessive training that I put myself through just to keep my normal muscle mass. I want to go outside. I think it will help... so long as I don't see *him*.

Jenova might not be able to talk to me...but I hear whispers, not my own whispers either. It's either the planet or...*him* I dare not speak his name incase he hears me and makes me a puppet again. Always a puppet. His pretty little puppet. Puppet! Puppet! Puppet! Forever a puppet! To Sephiroth! To Jenova! To the drugs! PUPPET!!!!


They jumped on me again... Need to keep clear thoughts. I'm fine now. They messed up my hair... but I'm good. I'm healthy. If I wanted to, I could kill them easily, but... they would shoot me with those tranquilizers and strap me down. I haven't been strapped down in seven days, fourteen hours, twenty-two minutes. It feels good.

I wish Tifa would come and see me. I miss her. She makes me feel sane again for a little while. I think she would be proud of my progress! I haven't stabbed myself or screamed or broke down the door or attacked the doctors or seen *him* or broken my own bones or ANYTHING in one month, twenty-eight days, seven hours, and forty-eight minutes... fourty-nine now.

Oh, it's time for me to get my medication! Woohoo! Soon, I'm going to get released! I know it! They are going to give me back my swords, my armour and my materia, let me out of these white scrubs, and I will be able to walk around again! Wow, I'm smiling! Oh yes, love the progress!

(Feel my Insanity)

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